EP.26 - How to Age Gracefully: Tips From My Octogenarian Mum
SHOW NOTES:
Join me and my wonderful mum once again as we engage in a heartwarming conversation about embracing the ageing process with grace, resilience, and a sense of purpose.
We dive into the wisdom and experiences my mum has gained through navigating various stages of life.
We'll also explore the importance of maintaining physical health, mental well-being, emotional balance, and spiritual growth, even as we face the natural challenges that come with ageing.
This open and honest conversation with my mum offers valuable insights and inspiration for anyone who’s going through the fear of ageing as well as those who would like to empathise with their elderly mothers.
Join us as we celebrate the beauty of ageing and discover how to embrace each stage of life with an open heart and a fearless curiosity.
Here are the key takeaways from this episode:
02:35 - Growing old is inevitable, but don’t hesitate to make yourself look better, so you feel better.
06:42 - Exercise both physically and mentally.
08:00 - What mahjong is and how it helps Mum be sociable and use her brain in a strategic way.
14:41 - How Mum maintains her emotional wellness as she navigates the ageing process.
16:21 - The importance of having a support system and getting help.
17:09 - Spiritual connection is very much connected to being in service.
20:12 - Do not be afraid to grow old, do it gracefully.
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I help you lead with fearless authenticity by smashing the self-imposed heteronormative stereotypes that keep you playing small through emotional healing inner child and inherited intergenerational trauma. Create a purposeful life of your unique design by disrupting societal norms and expectations of who you should be. Explore mindfulness, fearless curiosity and loving kindness through the lens of Human Design to thrive as the person you are born to be.
Learn more about my coaching method and join my emotional healing, mindfulness, and music community at melissaindot.com.
TRANSCRIPT
[00:00:00] Pat: Do not be afraid to grow old, grow old gracefully. And I think we've earned all these years, we've become much wiser and we can handle situations much better. Do not be afraid. Just accept it gracefully and thank God and be happy with your family. And if you have a happy family, everything else falls into place.
[00:00:26] Melissa: Hey there. Welcome to the Fearlessly Curious Podcast, your safe space. Listen, lean in and learn the diversity of human experiences through the lens of fearless curiosity. When we learn more about each other, we also learn more about ourselves. How? Because when we listen to each other's curiosities and experiences, we relate to that which is in common, and that which sets us apart, gives us something to reflect on. We learn through and with each other. I'm grateful to you, the global community, for your curious questions. The Fearlessly Curious Podcast cannot exist without you.
[00:01:15] Melissa: Okay, well, I'm super excited once again to invite my mom as my guest today on the Fearlessly Curious Podcast. And today, I thought it would be such a benefit, not just to all the women out there in the world, all the people out there who identify as a woman, but also for everybody out there who is there to support women.
[00:01:37] Melissa: If you want to know how to support women in the ageing process and how to navigate the ageing process in terms of a mental, physical, emotional, and possibly even spiritual level. So first of all, mom, thank you so much for joining me again. You were an amazing guest when we had the conversation about navigating generational differences and family values, and we've had such an amazing response.
[00:02:07] Melissa: I had to invite you back. So thank you for joining us.
[00:02:10] Pat: I'm very happy to be back, Melissa. I'll try my best to answer the whatever questions you're gonna put to me.
[00:02:17] Melissa: So mom, as a grand octogenarian, I would love to know what great advice or great wisdom you could share with women listening and all the people out there supporting women, what it's like to navigate the ageing process.
[00:02:35] Pat: Growing old is something inevitable. Everybody has to take their root. So I guess we will try to take it graciously. Most important, I think, is that we must have good health. When we have good health, I think it radiates. We will also look good. Some of us may have more grey hair than others, which isn't a bad thing.
[00:03:00] Pat: It's better to have more grey hair than to have no hair at all. Many of us would've lost a lot of hair, but living in this modern age, there are so many things that can help to make us look better, feel better about ourselves. This is a very personal thing. Some people do not want to help themselves to look good, or with any aids.
[00:03:22] Pat: When I say aids, I mean dye. Dye your hair, put on a little hair piece. Some people even go to the extent of having plastic surgery. I personally do not subscribe to that, but to each its own. If you feel happy about yourself doing that, why not, you know?
[00:03:41] Melissa: Thank you, mom. I'd just like to delve a bit deeper with you on that.
[00:03:45] Melissa: When you talk about physical health is very important and that when we feel, when we're healthy on the inside, that that radiates outwardly. How do you maintain good physical health? What is important to you and what would you recommend to women in the ageing process from your own personal experience?
[00:04:04] Pat: Well, I'm quite a lazy person actually. I do not like to do exercise. I prefer to play games. But of course, as you grow older, you don't have the energy to run and play games can be quite dangerous. You can trip and fall. So I think the best exercise would be walking, swimming if you can. And just a free hand exercise, you know, just stretching.
[00:04:30] Pat: and now I've been looking at a lot of these health apps and I have been looking at a lot from this Chinese sensei, and they're telling us how to pet certain points of your body. It connects to certain organs. You know how to strengthen your heart or part of your liver, your pancreas, you know, your brain, eyesight, your hearing.
[00:04:53] Pat: So I've been trying to do all that, trying to touch all those important points. So I tried to do that. At one point, I was persuaded to have a personal trainer by my son who insisted on getting me a personal trainer. I was quite resistant to that idea, but actually it wasn't so bad. It's actually quite nice.
[00:05:15] Pat: Well, I did read regularly for maybe two years. And then we had the pandemic. And my eldest daughter Marina, she's also recorded an app for me that I could refer to and do the exercise on my own, which is for cardio. More for cardio because she says just walking and swimming, all these slow exercises or different things, stretching.
[00:05:38] Pat: This is for cardio. I need to work my heart. So I've tried that and I quite enjoyed it because I play my kind of music, which is ABBA songs, which is a lovely beat. So I can dance with it. Dancing along with it can be quite enjoyable. I can, I can do it on my own, in my own place. So if I'm too lazy to go to the gym. I used to have a treadmill when I lived in a house, but now that I moved to an apartment.
[00:06:07] Pat: Oh, we don't have a treadmill in my place, but we have a gym in the apartment, which is also a very useful thing for me to have. So try to do some form of exercise.
[00:06:18] Melissa: That's awesome. So your apartment complex has a gym, which you have access to, and how wonderful it is to have access to these resources. But what I'm hearing is that when you want something enough, when we have enough of an interest, when we can appreciate our physical health that we'll go to any extent to access the resources that are always available to us at any level, right? Like you're using YouTube to follow these videos.
[00:06:42] Pat: Oh, before I forget, you don't not only need to exercise physically, you need to exercise your brain mentally. I keep myself mentally active by doing crosswords.
[00:06:56] Pat: I love the crossword Sudoku. Yes. Which is also very challenging. And play mahjong. Oh, it's the most fascinating game.
[00:07:07] Melissa: Please tell us a little bit about the game. Mahjong. MAHJONG. Mahjong.
[00:07:14] Pat: Oh, this is a game invented by the Chinese. It's so clever because there are so many ways of playing this game.
[00:07:23] Pat: Now I can see a lot of Westerners have taken this game up and they have their own version. Basically, it's the same, but different ways to approach it. And it's a very challenging game. You know, I don't play bridge, so they say it's a little bit like bridge. I don't know how to compare, but I just love mahjong.
[00:07:45] Pat: Most every Chinese house, the children will play mahjong because of all the parents. You know, not a Chinese New Year passes without Mahjong and the noise of the tiles hitting on a Mahjong table.
[00:08:00] Melissa: So for those people who are listening right now, not everybody will know what exactly Mahjong is, and I'm gonna invite you to share a little bit more.
[00:08:08] Melissa: But before that, I just wanna let everybody know one of my fondest memories of being in the lockdown actually of 2020, the global lockdown where we were. I was in Malaysia at the time. And at the time when we were allowed to socialise with the people within our bubble, I was able to be with my mom and also my sister and my niece who had flown back from the UK.
[00:08:31] Melissa: We were all in the bubble in Malaysia, and my mom introduced Mahjong to us again. So the four of us, she taught us. The four of us sat down and we had many Mahjong sessions and it was so much fun. So first of all, you mentioned the tiles. For those people who are listening only to audio, what are the Mahjong tiles?
[00:08:49] Melissa: Could you describe a little bit about what the tiles are? What are on the tiles? Because you mentioned bridge, but not everybody here will even know the game Bridge.
[00:08:57] Pat: Well, how do I describe the tiles? You want me to describe the tiles?
[00:09:02] Melissa: Yeah. Okay. Maybe I'll help. So mahjong tiles, so normally you have a, we play cards.
[00:09:06] Melissa: We have a deck of cards that are pieces of paper that have cardboard, so they're a bit stronger. With mahjong, we play with tiles. So we imagine rectangular, three-dimensional, rectangular bricks, actually. The shape of mini bricks, maybe the length of your thumb, maybe the width of half your thumb, and not typically.
[00:09:26] Melissa: I think back in the day. Historically, what were they made of historically, mom back in the day?
[00:09:29] Pat: Well, I think they made them out of bamboo, you know? Yes, yes. And then they carve the characters onto the face. So there'll be like four different suits. One suit of bamboo, one suit of circles.
[00:09:45] Pat: One suit of characters, Chinese characters numbering one to nine. And then you have the winds. The winds, which are North East South West. And then you have the three big dragons, the red dragon, the green, and the white. And these are all important cuts to have. Then you collect the suits and build along.
[00:10:11] Pat: I mean, it'll take me many, many more days to describe to you how the play is.
[00:10:16] Melissa: Sure. But you've described the basis of it, like there's a suit of cards, different suits. Then you have your winds, and you have like your trump cards, which are the highly valuable cards. And I would say with my limited knowledge, it reminds me a little bit of the game Gin rummy.
[00:10:31] Melissa: It's about building different types of collections, whether it's the same suit or whether it's the same number. It has its own rules, but what is the purpose of the game? How does one win the game?
[00:10:46] Pat: To mahjong, to win the game, you need to have a pair. You need to have a straights. 1, 2, 3; 3, 4, 5; or 6, 7, 8, or three of a kind.
[00:10:58] Pat: And just collect this together. There are so many ways mean it's impossible to describe
[00:11:04] Melissa: No problem, mom. But that's, that's what you're saying because there's so many ways, it's a game of strategy.
[00:11:08] Pat: yeah. This is a game of strategy. Before we used to play with 13 tiles. Now to make it more complicated, we play with 16 tiles. 16 tiles.
[00:11:20] Pat: So it's much more intriguing and much more challenging, and you try to control the other person's play. Do not give them what you think they need. You see? And you try to draw the card and build your own suit, and do not let people know what you are collecting. Yeah. That's the strategy.
[00:11:40] Melissa: Okay. I can see that it brings you so much joy.
[00:11:44] Melissa: What is your strongest reason to play? How does it fill you up?
[00:11:47] Pat: What is my strongest reason to play?
[00:11:49] Melissa: Yes. Why do you love it so much? What is it about this game?
[00:11:52] Pat: It's very challenging. It makes me think, and it helps me to pass the time. It's a great help for you if you have a lot of time on your hands, you know, a few hours of the day you socialise with friends, we have lunch first, and then meet in a friend's house or in my house or whatever.
[00:12:12] Pat: We play say if we start at say two o'clock, we will stop at four for a cup of tea for a break and a little bit of a cake or whatever, and chit-chat. And then we continue and maybe we stop at 6:00 or 6:30. So everybody goes home and that's, yeah. We try to get the games in, uh, twice a week. Meet with different groups.
[00:12:36] Melissa: So it's very social. It's a wonderful way to, it's lovely to hang out with people and, and be sociable, but it also gets you to use your brain in a very strategic way. And I'm guessing when you play with different people, people bring a different personal strategy to the game, and so you are always on your toes.
[00:12:52] Pat: Actually, when we are, we become so sociable because some of our friends or we have quite big houses, so we can have like two or three sets of Mahjong in the same house. So we, everybody, bring something for tea. So we would be like maybe eight, eight or 12 ladies, sometimes eight, four to a table.
[00:13:12] Pat: And then we will all stop, everybody have tea, have a chitchat, and then we change partners sometimes, you know, different days we play with another group. So it's a fun, nice way for I think for the older ladies who have children all grown up and they know all left their home and some of us are widows, so it's a good way to spend our time.
[00:13:36] Melissa: Thank you. Thank you for bringing Mahjong up and bringing the fact that what we need to take care of in the ageing process as women is also our mental health, our mental agility, and playing games in your, in your case, Mahjong not only helps to keep your mind agile and fresh, but it also fills the void, the potential void of loneliness.
[00:13:58] Melissa: Like a social, right. And gives you an opportunity to also meet new people and diversify your social circle but through gaming. I suppose the younger generation do it online, but as we get older, actually what's important for our emotional wellbeing is keeping social, is connection ultimately.
[00:14:21] Melissa: So inadvertently, mom, that was gonna be my next question, which is what is an important practice in the ageing process to nourish our emotional wellbeing? And I think Mahjong probably does that for you too. Is there anything else that you practise that also helps with maintaining your emotional wellness as you're navigating the ageing process?
[00:14:41] Melissa: Oh, indeed. Indeed. Music plays a big part in my life. I love to listen to music. I tinker on the piano myself, just to amuse myself. I can play enough songs that I can amuse myself. I can read some notes and sometimes I play by ear. I enjoy myself. I can spend one or two hours on the piano, and for others, they might like gardening.
[00:15:07] Pat: Some others may like sewing because I have a friend who sews beautifully and she sews for her grandchildren, all her grandchildren's night clothes. And I have another friend who has a beautiful garden and she tends to flowers herself and art. Some people can paint, you know, so there are many different ways to amuse yourself.
[00:15:29] Pat: You know, you need to take up some form of hobby or learn a language. A new language or learning a new instrument or reading a book. You know, photography, travel. I mean, I love to travel, but now travelling is becoming a bit more cumbersome for us. We need to travel with someone because, you know, our faculties are not perfect, don't hear well, don't see well, and, lose a little bit of confidence and not be able to walk so fast, you know?
[00:16:06] Pat: So just keep yourself active. And I'm lucky enough to have very good children who encourage me to do all these, and they're there if I need them. I'm very thankful for this.
[00:16:21] Melissa: Thank you for sharing, mom. You know, I think that's so important for people to hear, for women to hear, and for the support system of women to hear that to be encouraged is such an important aspect of the ageing process as we lose the agility of our faculties, our faculties, meaning our mobility, you know, our eyesight, our hearing, right? We require a little bit more assistance. And I would say that typically women are not great at asking for help.
[00:16:48] Melissa: And so when someone can offer assistance, that bridges the gap of the struggle of asking for help. You know, mentioning about being curious to explore your different interests like photography. Like picking up something, you know, playing an instrument, painting the creative arts, sewing, and I would add baking, right?
[00:17:09] Melissa: Cooking for your family, cooking for your friends. I think something else. So one more layer. We talked about physical health, mental health, emotional health in the ageing process, and spiritual connection for me is very much connected to being in service. Doing things for others because as we age, at least I can speak from my perspective at the moment, and I'm in the earlier part of my ageing process, while we're all ageing,
[00:17:32] Melissa: I can imagine that as our children or your grandchildren or the younger people around you become more independent and are off leading their own lives, that one can feel that you no longer have a purpose as you're getting older and we forget that we can still serve.
[00:17:51] Melissa: We just serve different people. What are your thoughts around sort of spiritual growth as you are navigating the ageing process, mum? What are your thoughts around spiritual connection?
[00:18:01] Pat: Oh yeah. I find that many ladies become more religious as they grow older. But for me, I like to be more spiritual, Melissa. As you say, be of service to others and to your own family, your own household, your own people who serve you – your driver, your helpers in the house, whatever we can do to help others.
[00:18:24] Pat: Yes, and I do pray to God to some being up there to God, at least twice a day in the morning when I wake up and before I go to sleep, and also before big festivals or family gatherings, w say a prayer of thanks for all this wonderful blessings that we're so lucky to have. Yeah, so we feel we wanted to be connected with God.
[00:18:49] Pat: You know, it's not just talking about it. You live your life to show that you care. Compassion. And help whatever we care about.
[00:18:58] Melissa: Thank you. And I love that you mentioned that, at least from your personal experience, that as we get older, many people turn to religion and you know, just for context, there's no judgement here.
[00:19:10] Melissa: I think often people turn to religion because, well, like I mentioned, as we transition through life, people become less dependent on us, and we start to question our purpose as we're evolving and moving through life and that spiritual connection and having the structure of religion, because ultimately whatever religion it is that you subscribe to, it's all about contemplation.
[00:19:33] Melissa: And asking yourself ultimately, what is your purpose now at this stage of your life? So thank you for sharing, you know, what some of your spiritual practices are. What would be one final piece of – I don't wanna say advice – but a golden nugget of wisdom that you would give women in particular as they navigate the different ageing decades of life.
[00:19:57] Melissa: You know, I'm approaching my 50 mark, mum. And you are approaching, you are now in your mid eighties, right? How incredible. Like this last 35 years since you turned 50, what bit of wisdom that you could offer us?
[00:20:12] Pat: Do not be afraid to grow old. Grow old gracefully. And I think we've earned all these years, we've become much wiser and we can handle situations much better.
[00:20:23] Pat: Do not be afraid. Just accept it gracefully and thank God, and be happy with your family and if you have a happy family, everything else falls into place.
[00:20:32] Melissa: Thank you. Thank you once again, mom for gracing, not just me, but all the listeners with your presence and with your time and with your very open and generous heart and wisdom.
[00:20:43] Melissa: I'm definitely gonna be calling you for more episodes. Thank you, mom. See you in the next episode.
[00:20:48] Pat: You're welcome.
[00:20:53] Melissa: If you want more, make sure to subscribe so you never miss a new episode every Friday. And please leave a review if you enjoy this episode. Don't forget to send me your curious questions and experiences as inspiration for future episodes. Your anonymity will be respected. If that's what you prefer. For more guidance and support, join my emotional healing, mindfulness and music community over at melissaindot.com. See you next week.
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