EP.04 - How Curiosity Can Cure Conflict

Have you ever been in a conversation where someone said something that you don’t like and you just want to respond right away without thinking and listening more?

When we are in conflict with someone who isn't aligned with what we believe in, it creates tension and it becomes ‘us against them’. 

This is more common in the workplace where there are a lot of different personalities and points of view. But how do we deal with this situation in a better way? 

So in this episode, I would like to share with you the role that curiosity plays in dealing with conflict, the questions I ask when I’m in a tense conversation, and tips to help you practice compassionate communication.

TRANSCRIPT

Okay. Okay. Okay. Today we are going to talk about how curiosity can cure conflict. So this is hugely inspired by several conversations I have had with my mom over the last couple of years as I've been diving into healing that mother wound. And what I've learned can definitely be applied to all our relationships, all our conversations.

Here we go. Curiosity. Curiosity has this nature of just wanting more, but not just wanting more. It has this energy of openness and this energy of willingness, willingness to discover, to explore, to learn something new. And I believe that curiosity is a beautiful energy to bring into situations of conflict because what happens is when we are in conflict with someone or feeling in conflict with the situation, there is a tension. We're pushing against something or someone, or a point of view or an energy, or the other party is pushing against us.

So we may feel no conflict at first, but because somebody isn't aligned with who we are, what we're saying, how we're behaving, they're pushing against us. And so there's the tension of conflict. And what tends to happen typically is that you've got polarization is what happens.

So you've got two people standing on two different sides of a conversation. Or a point of view and both are wanting and needing to be heard and desiring to have their point of view pushed across and accepted, possibly and even understood by the other party. So it becomes me against you or us against them. That whole polarization.

Now what we wanna do is remember, what is it that you want to achieve by getting your point across? That's the first thing to focus on. I know when I'm sharing an opinion or I'm in a conversation, I'm sharing from my life experience and humans thrive on connection.

Ultimately, that's what we wanna do. We wanna connect with people, and what we wanna do is cultivate the ability to connect with opinions and with people who are not the same as us. We don't need them to accept our point of view. Nor do we even need them to understand it. What we wanna be able to do is get our point across in a way that allows for that other person to be with that opinion, be with what is. Now if I desire that of someone else, how do I attain that, achieve that, acquire that is first I have to model it. First I have to be able to do that. I have to be able to sit across the table with somebody. Listen to their point of view, not agree with it. Maybe not even understand it and not need to understand it, but simply sit opposite. Listen. Deeply listen. Process and be with what that is. Okay?

Because we can't resolve every single situation, nor can we resolve every single conversation in agreement. One way to resolve it is being able to be with what is and say, I hear what you're saying. I don't agree. I don't actually totally understand it, but I'm also okay with not fully understanding it and it's not from a lack of your ability to explain it to me, but because I simply don't have the capacity to understand it.

Because remember everyone, each one of us is living our own unique experience of life. You can put two people, set them up the same way for their whole lives. Exactly the same, mirroring each other, right? They're still gonna have a unique experience because each of us has a unique soul and we're here to live.

To live our diverse experiences as individuals. It helps to remember that, because that when you don't have the ability to understand something, then you are more able, you can be self-compassionate and you're more able to say, I don't understand. I don't need to understand, and I can accept. I don't have the capacity to understand fully what your shit's saying to me because I'm not you.

Even my imagination is limited in its capacity to understand and I'm okay with that. So I'm here to listen, to lean in and to learn what another experience looks and feels like without an attachment to need to understand it. I can listen and accept it. That is one way to navigate conflict with curiosity, is to accept that this is another, a new experience that you're learning about.

Curiosity, ask the questions when you're in conflict in a conversation. Remembering that each of us is unique and living our own experience means that even two people who are sharing a conversation and are in agreement with each other, we are still going to have a different perspective.

The language we use might be agreeable, might be similar. You and I might see a movie and I'll go, hey, did you see that movie with that actor? I thought he was awesome. I love the screenplay. I love the script, the characterization, it was brilliant and you can agree with me totally, but I still have to remember that the way I see that movie is different to how you see that movie.

Now, why is this so important in conflict is because curiosity opens the doorway to being more compassionate with each other, how? We can take responsibility for better communication when we're in conflict by being curious. So I experienced a conflict. Someone is getting activated by my opinion or by me sharing a situation with them rather than me push more, drive my point more and find different ways of saying it. I get curious. I ask them, what is it that is activating you? What is it that you are not understanding? What is it that you are struggling with? I could ask, are you getting agitated? Are you getting upset? Are you getting angry? What emotions are coming up for you right now?

Because my intention is not to upset you. My intention is to share my perspective, and so through your curiosity, you can really flex that muscle of learning to communicate better. The false belief is that communication is about delivering your message across, right? I told you to shut the door, but really effective communication is about ensuring that your message has been received in the way you intend.

I can say someone shut the door and what they hear literally is not to leave the door open. I'm gonna say that again. I can say, someone, can you please shut the door. But what they hear and interpret is, please don't leave the door open. There is something intrinsically different between those two sentences.

But because our minds are wired differently and because we have different experiences in life, they condition us differently. Even though communicating for us can be so clear, it can be received in a different way to someone else. So constantly checking in through curiosity. What did you understand about that?

Ask the other person. We can get more clarity and when we get more clarity. then not only can we cure conflict, but we can prevent conflict. And at the end of the day, with even conflict itself, if we lean into conflict itself, we can see conflict as an opportunity to communicate better.

We can see conflict as an opportunity to offer, to invite more compassion, more loving compassion into a conversation. It can be our marker to soften, not just be curious, but to soften and in softening and being curious we gain more clarity and when we're getting more clarity then we can work on sharpening our communication skills, not just delivering the message, but ensuring that message we're delivering has landed the way in which we intend.

Conscious communication, this is what I call it. Conscious and compassionate communication through curiosity, you will observe and witness all your conversations and your relationships transform through this methodology. And the practice begins with awareness. The practice begins with noticing any shifts in energy when you're in a conversation, shifts in body language.

People tend to shut down when they feel activated. They no longer listen to what you are saying because they're already thinking about what it is that they want to say as a reaction to you.

How many of you have been in a conversation and somebody said something and you are just like, no way. And in your mind, you are already thinking about what it is you wanna say back to them. So you stopped listening. That's not communication. Communication is a two-way street. Communication is about leaning in and listening first, processing that information. And I would invite you to consistently be curious before you share your point of view, because an effective communicator is someone who settles the other party first, so that they are in more of a neutral, peaceful state to receive what your point of view might be. You wanna model the behavior to the other party. Calm, curious, and compassionate energy you bring into that conversation then all their guards are gonna be down. They're gonna feel safer to truly listen.

Curiosity is the doorway to clarity and effective communication. Try that the next time you get into a difficult chat, maybe with your partner, with your child, with someone at work, say less, listen more, because as the saying goes, you've got two ears and one mouth. Listen twice as much as you speak. And with those listening ears, I'll ask those curious questions, that'll lead you into more peace and more calm and create spaces where not only you can show up authentically, but you also allow others to do the same. Let me know how this podcast episode landed for you. You know how to do this. Drop me DMs in all my social channels.

Let's get this conversation going and help each other create a more compassionate community out there by learning to communicate with more curiosity. Until the next one.

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About Me:

I help women lead with fearless authenticity by smashing the self-imposed heteronormative stereotypes that keep you playing small through emotional healing inner child and inherited intergenerational trauma. Create a purposeful life of your unique design by disrupting societal norms and expectations of who you should be. Explore mindfulness, fearless curiosity and loving kindness through the lens of Human Design to thrive as the person you are born to be.

Learn more about my coaching method and join my emotional healing, mindfulness, and music community at melissaindot.com.