EP.13 - Harnessing the Power of Comparison
SHOW NOTES:
Comparison is a natural human tendency, but it can harm our well-being. It can kill our creativity, motivation, and inspiration; and steal our joy.
However, it is possible to harness the energy of comparison without minimising our gifts and individuality.
How do we do that?
By staying curious and focusing on self-awareness, self-reflection, and authenticity, we can learn to admire and celebrate differences instead of highlighting what is missing.
This shift in perspective allowed me to turn comparison into a positive force in my life. I want to share with you exactly how I used comparison to my advantage to improve as a coach and podcast creator.
Celebrating our individuality is honouring the unique signature of humanity. I’m here to guide you so you can reflect on people, skills, and situations you admire without losing the unique and most authentic version of YOU.
Here are the key takeaways from this episode:
2:10 - How comparison affects the people we care about
2:57 - Techniques for using the power of comparison for good
4:55 - Ask yourself ‘Why am I comparing?’
9:27 - Cultivate curiosity as a bridge to learn more about other people
11:30 - Ensure that you're not hyper focusing on what other people are doing and losing focus on what you can do
13:27 - Comparison without awareness can create unrealistic expectations
16:41 - Staying curious, focusing on self-awareness, and constantly checking in will prevent the mental and emotional damage of comparison
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About Me:
I help you lead with fearless authenticity by smashing the self-imposed heteronormative stereotypes that keep you playing small through emotional healing inner child and inherited intergenerational trauma. Create a purposeful life of your unique design by disrupting societal norms and expectations of who you should be. Explore mindfulness, fearless curiosity and loving kindness through the lens of Human Design to thrive as the person you are born to be.
Learn more about my coaching method and join my emotional healing, mindfulness, and music community at melissaindot.com.
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TRANSCRIPT
[00:00:00]
When we compare and we try to be something else other than ourselves, then we are stealing humanity. We are ripping from humanity. The joy of the uniqueness of who you are. You are removing from the unique signature of humanity – the very magic of who you are when you're trying to be someone else because you're comparing to another standard.
[00:00:33]
Hey there, welcome to the Fearlessly Curious Podcast, your safe space to listen, lean in, and learn the diversity of human experiences through the lens of fearless curiosity. When we learn more about each other. We also learn more about ourselves. How? Because when we listen to each other's curiosities and experiences, we relate to that which is in common, and that which sets us apart, gives us something to reflect on. We learn through and with each other. I'm grateful to you, the global community, for your curious questions. The Fearlessly Curious Podcast cannot exist without you.
[00:01:20]
Well, hi everybody, and welcome to yet another episode of the Fearlessly Curious Podcast with me, Melissa Indot, this week in store for you. We have this topic, which really, really fuels me in a massive way, and that is comparison. Comparison kills creativity. Comparison is the thief of joy. These are two quotes that you may or may not have heard of, but the reason why I wanna bring it to your attention today is because I think that we underestimate, or perhaps we're not even aware of the impact that comparison has on our motivation, on our inspiration.
[00:02:02]
In the way that we see ourselves, in the way that we can live and rise to our full potential in life. But more importantly, how comparison also affects the people that we care about, the people that we work with, our team members, the people that we love dearly. For parents out there. When you compare your children, your son and your daughter, or your daughters as siblings, the way that you compare your relationship with one child to another.
[00:02:31]
The way that you have been compared by your parents, with your sister, with your brother, with your siblings. There is an insidious influence and effect that comparison makes to our unconscious mind and how it influences the way that we show up in the world. When we compare, we suggest that there is a version of us that shows up that is less than good.
[00:02:57]
How do we step into the realm of being able to reflect on a skill or on a situation or with a person so that we can see and admire and be inspired by our differences with the energy of comparison without minimizing the gifts that we have without minimizing our individuality? That is a very fine line to tread.
[00:03:22]
Holding the intention that we are comparing in order to celebrate, in order to amplify our strengths rather than to highlight the differences, to highlight what is missing, I feel is an intrinsic part of ensuring that comparison doesn't become the thief of joy, does not kill our creativity. When we compare without awareness, not only does it kill your creativity, and not only does it steal joy from you, it removes the potential, the abundance of that joyful experience of living out the creation that you are.
[00:04:03]
Because remember, each one of us is unique and by being the fullest expression of who you are, the way that only you can be, the most unique version of you, the most authentic version of you. As you allow that to unravel and reveal itself, or for you to reveal yourself, you are literally in creation mode. When we compare and we try to be something else other than ourselves, then we are stealing humanity.
[00:04:32]
We are ripping from humanity. The joy of the uniqueness of who you are. You are removing from the unique signature of humanity, the very magic of who you are when you're trying to be someone else because you're comparing to another standard. So let's break it down into three different steps. The first step is to ask why.
[00:04:57]
Why am I comparing? What is the purpose of comparing? And if the purpose of comparing is grounded in appreciation, it's grounded in improvement, it's grounded in growth, then the foundation that you are laying comes from a place that is expansive. It's not coming from a place of seeing where you are lacking.
[00:05:21]
But seeing the gap from which you can hone your skills, study more, do more research in order to reach a different level. And it could be, uh, through that comparison that you discover you don't have the skills or you discover you don't actually want to bridge that gap. And perhaps what makes more sense is to hire somebody or to collaborate with the very person that you are comparing with.
[00:05:47]
That is one way to ensure that comparison does not kill creativity, but instead it creates further creativity through collaboration, through connection, and through communication. From the perspective of a parent, ‘cause I think it's very normal to compare one child to another. It’s to check in on your language.
[00:06:08]
So typically, and I've had this in my family, I've had this with my mom, where she said, oh, it's much easier for me to get along with you than this sibling. Or, it's very much easier for me to have this conversation with this sibling than it is to have it with you. Often makes me feel like there's something missing in me.
[00:06:27]
That does not enable a more seamless, say, smoother, a loving, a calmer, a less conflicting conversation with my mother. But actually what it really comes down to is, is it an inability, or perhaps it's an inflexibility or an unadaptability on my mother's part to be able to shift the way that she responds to a different person.
[00:06:51]
Because at the end of the day. One could even argue that it's obvious to have a different relationship with a different person because we are different people. So by virtue of the fact that we're comparing actually doesn't make any sense to make a comparison because it's like saying, let me compare apples with pears.
[00:07:09]
We are different. Let me compare apples with bananas. Let me compare apples with cucumbers. Well, we're different. So if you're gonna compare, all you're gonna find are the differences. How can comparison cultivate creativity from a personal perspective when we are comparing a relationship or the ability to connect with one person to another.
[00:07:31]
I can self-reflect. You can say, well, okay, I can have this type of conversation with this person. Why is it so? Get curious about it. Why can't I have a similar type of conversation with another person with the same ease in grace. There's got to be something about me because it's my perception. These people are different.
[00:07:51]
Can I expect the experience to be different because they are, but my curiosity can ask why is one a little bit harder? Why does one person or conversation with another person cultivate discomfort? Because that discomfort is within me because there's something in me that perceives it as being harder.
[00:08:10]
Perhaps it requires more investment of my time and patience to explain something to the other person that's causing me discomfort. Perhaps I require to be more pedantic in the way I explain things, or perhaps I need to be more curious about the other person. Perhaps we have a different way of using language of communicating that isn't aligned, so it requires more patience, it requires more curiosity.
[00:08:36]
Perhaps it just simply requires more time. Or could it be that I can come to accept that there's a possibility that two people can speak on parallel lines where we are simply not seeing eye to eye, or we simply do not have the ability, or I do not have the ability to see things through another person's point of view, and that's okay.
[00:08:58]
Can I be okay with that? Can I be okay with not being able to accept another point of view? And knowing that I can't accept it, is there an opportunity there for me to be able to simply know that there is another point of view that is different to mine and simply acknowledge it? So that's how, through comparison, we don't kill the creativity aspect within us.
[00:09:26]
In fact, we cultivate curiosity as a bridge to learn more about other people, about humanity. And in doing so, learning more about who I am, my ability to understand different things, my ability to be compassionate, my ability to expand my empathy. So compare by all means. Compare by all means to see what your difference is, to be inspired by and to rise and raise the level of your existence.
[00:09:56]
In a way that is inspired by another, but not in a way that you want to imitate or mimic the other person, but to be and to model that according to your expression. That is the way we ensure that comparison doesn't kill your creativity. I can watch someone else sing a song and aspire to improve my vocal technique.
[00:10:20]
But I am very, very aware when I make that comparison, I'm ensuring that I own my own personal identity. I own the discovery of who I am, as it unravels, as I aspire to having a specific vocal quality or expression quality that matches, let's say someone like Beyonce. I'll never have Beyonce's voice. I'm not Beyonce.
[00:10:43]
But I can be inspired and I can aspire to have vocal expression and power in the way that she does, but as me, as Melissa Indot, that way comparison doesn't kill my creativity, and it definitely doesn't kill my joy. And lastly, How to prevent comparison from killing your creativity is to be aware that when we are comparing, are we hyper-focusing on the ideas and the methodologies and the strategies of someone else that we can never employ?
[00:11:17]
Are we focusing on our differences and trying to be something in someone that we are not, that we could never be? It's really, really important to have that awareness because. You wanna ensure that you're not hyper focusing on what other people are doing so much that you lose focus on what you can do.
[00:11:39]
You lose focus on your fearless authenticity. You lose direction and you let go of the power of you, of what makes you unique. Because through comparing, through aspiring to be like someone else in your comparison, you lose sight of the unique gifts that only you can bring to the table. Often when we are hyper focused on comparing, it can create emotions of frustration.
[00:12:08]
Like, why can't I be like that person? Why can't I be as flexible as someone who's a yoga educator? As I was on my own personal yoga journey, I would always compare myself to these incredible yogis and how strong and flexible they were. Almost to the point of personal injury. Cause I would measure myself against them and I would try to be like them until I started to self-reflect, to discover my unique physicality.
[00:12:33]
Physiology meant that no matter how much I practised, and no matter how hard I tried, I would never have that level of flexibility or mobility of these other people because we are literally biologically different. So comparing without awareness can cause harm on an emotional level. It can create frustration and jealousy and low self-esteem.
[00:12:57]
It really made me feel so terrible at myself that I was just incapable of achieving, acquiring, or reaching these standards of flexibility and mobility. I was beating myself up instead of leaning into discovering my unique physiology and learning to navigate my body, my way. So in comparison without awareness, that had a detrimental effect on my mental health and also on my emotional well-being.
[00:13:26]
Also comparison without awareness can create unrealistic expectations. We are holding ourselves to a standard that is perhaps unaligned to our own. I'm striving to be of a level that someone else is at, who comes from a different background from me, who has different resources from me, different opportunities than I have.
[00:13:52]
And my level of success may never be equal to their level of success, but it'll always be different. When I'm comparing, I'm comparing against their standard and not my own. So comparison without awareness can definitely be very detrimental to our emotional wellbeing in that instance. Another reason how comparison can be harmful to us is that it can undermine your own sense of success and accomplishment.
[00:14:23]
So let's say you've worked six months for a project, or for me, I've been writing a song or curating a coaching program for many, many months, and I've reached all my goals and I'm feeling super, super proud and accomplished and satisfied and fulfilled with it. And then I hyper focus on what another creator has done, what another songwriter has done, what another coach has achieved.
[00:14:48]
And I compare myself not knowing the finer details of how they got there, what their personal journey is, that actually their journey was six years long. Or perhaps they had a team of 50 people working with them. And so in comparing without having this information, without this awareness, it's gonna undermine my sense of accomplishment.
[00:15:08] I
It's gonna make me feel like I didn't do enough. Like I'm not good enough, like I didn't work hard enough, and that's totally false. That's a total untruth, so, Again, these are the three ways that comparison without awareness can be detrimental to yours and my mental health and emotional wellbeing. That's something that I'm very aware of daily, even with this podcast that I put together with your help, is that I'm constantly consuming other podcasts.
[00:15:41]
Other podcast creators, and as much as I'm aspiring to be like them, I have to remind myself that in my comparison to aspire and be inspired by other podcasters, I have to remember they've been in the game longer. Okay? So when I see that I've had 250 downloads – which by the way, I'm really, really proud of.
[00:16:01]
When I compare it to someone who's had 1 million downloads without awareness, that comparison is gonna make me feel like, whoa, I've got a long way to go. Oh, I'm not doing enough. I'm not good enough. I'm never gonna get there. And with context, I can remind myself that this bear podcast has been years in the making, that perhaps they have a bigger budget than I have, that they have access to better resources, that they have an entire team backing them.
[00:16:25]
And I'm a new kid on the block, so I have to remember to bring context when I'm making a comparison. I hope you found this episode helpful. Comparison can be the thief of joy. Comparison can kill your creativity. But with awareness and with curiosity, constantly checking in, constantly asking yourself, why am I comparing?
[00:16:49]
How am I feeling when I'm making this comparison? Is it killing my joy? Is it robbing me of my excitement and my enthusiasm and my motivation and inspiration? Then these questions, your curiosity is going to help you circumvent. It's gonna help you stop, arrest, prevent the mental and emotional damage that comparison can potentially have on you.
[00:17:14]
Always stay curious. Through curiosity, you're just going to continue learning more and more about yourself, and as you learn more about yourself living in this world, you get to refine the way that you interface with the world. So rather than reacting to every situation, you can stand in your power to respond to a situation with conscious awareness. So until next week, stay fearlessly curious.
[00:17:48]
If you want more, make sure to subscribe so you never miss a new episode every Friday. And please leave a review if you enjoyed this episode. Don't forget to send me your curious questions and experiences as inspiration for future episodes. Your anonymity will be respected if that's what you prefer. For more guidance and support, join my emotional healing, mindfulness, and music community over at melissaindot.com. See you next week.
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