EP.07 - Why Is Setting Boundaries Important (Holiday Season Special)
How do we create safe spaces without denying ourselves the joy of life?
The holidays are a special time of the year when families come together to catch up and have fun, but it can also be an overwhelming and stressful experience. If you’re struggling to keep up with the demands of the holiday season, you're not alone!
In this episode, I'm here to help you find a healthy way through. Let's explore why boundaries are beautiful and how they can protect your mental health. Discover strategies for communicating effectively while mastering the art of saying no - plus learn when it may be best to remove yourself from an uncomfortable situation.
Whether it's limiting interactions or saying no to activities or traditions you don't feel comfortable with, give yourself permission to establish the parameters that feel true to you this holiday season.
TRANSCRIPT
Well…Hi! We got a great episode ahead. This week we are talking about boundaries. I know for so many of you, boundaries represent a fence, a wall. It's something that we put up to keep people out, to keep you safe and protected from harm from intruders, from pain from hurt. The thing about boundaries when we set them from the wrong place, from the wrong intention is that in trying to protect yourself from harm, you might also prevent yourself from receiving the most incredible experiences and love.
How do we create safe spaces for ourselves without denying ourselves the joy of life? And it all boils down to what you understand boundaries to be and where we're creating them from. So rather than come from a place of fear, like I'm putting up this wall, I'm putting up this fence, because I want to keep someone out, because I'm protecting myself, I'd love for you to consider that boundaries are a way that you create safety for yourself, as a guide to show people how far and how near they can come where they meet you.
Having boundaries is about how you take care of your needs. Now in order to take care of your needs, the first thing you need to do is know what your needs are. And my need, for example, is to be spoken to in a tone that is calm and relaxing. My need is to be treated with respect but you see here comes the challenge is that what I deem is calm and peaceful. What I value is being respectful, is going to be different for someone else. So even when I set that boundary for myself, there's going to be discrepancies. But at least I have a center point to return to, an anchor, have a value that I want to respect for myself. And from that place from that value, I'm able to express my need to someone else. So let me give you an example.
If I'm afraid of being disrespected, if I'm afraid of someone talking to me in a way that isn't calm, I'm going to end up not going out at all, I'm going to end up not being social, not wanting to meet anybody because I'm just going to be so afraid that that boundary is going to be crossed, because I'm coming from a place of fear. But if I set my boundary based on love, based on knowing what my needs are, and I have an awareness that because we're all different in this world, everybody's value system is different.
And when I say value system, I mean, we could have the same values but our interpretation of those values are going to be different. Then as long as I have an anchor to come back to, which is me, knowing me, knowing what my needs are and how to meet them, then anything that happens outside of that I can deeply listen to and lean into to learn more about the other person whilst holding my own boundary. So what that looks like is, I go out, I know what my value is on communication and language. And let's say someone talks to me in a way that I find disrespectful, speaks to me in a tone that is heightened, and I feel unsafe because my nervous system has been activated. First of all, because I'm coming from love because I've created that boundary from a space of love, I'm already grounded within my body.
Because love is all encompassing. I know when my boundaries are being crossed or about to be crossed. So, I have the ability through the angle of love to be able to express myself and say, Hey, listen, the language that you're using is language that I'm not comfortable with. So, I have a request if you could really, maybe change your language, not use this word, not use that word, I would really appreciate that. Why might I say I have a heightened sensitivity to volume and to tone and I'm receiving your tone in a way that feels aggressive to me. I'm wondering whether or not we could switch conversation, we could switch topics, just so that I can settle my nervous system, I can feel safer. And if someone doesn't understand me, then it's my responsibility to own that boundary to model to the other person, what it looks and feels like to connect with me according to my values. And if that doesn't work, then I have the choice to walk away.
Creating boundaries allows for us to cultivate deeper connections. Because then we are able to express to other people who we truly are, we can show up as the people we are. I can show up as the person I am. I don't put myself in a situation where I'm afraid to say something that might offend someone. Or I say things specifically, to please somebody because I know it makes them happy, even though it may not be aligned to my values. I'm no longer looking for validation from somebody else to define who I am because I've spent enough time discovering who I am.
And knowing that the journey of self-discovery is an infinite evolution, it's constant. And because I can surrender to that uncertainty, it gives scope for deeper connections with people, because in knowing that my own evolution represents infinite growth, when I look at other people, I can also see a version of myself in them, someone who is every day, just exploring life and trying to get to know themselves better. That way, with these boundaries, I can approach every conversation with a little bit more compassion, because I don't need to worry about somebody saying the wrong thing to me. Because I can own my space, I can own my values and I have the ability to communicate to someone when I do feel unsafe.
Now, this is a crucial time for many of us a crucial time for creating boundaries, because it's the end of year, many people are winding down for Christmas maybe and just that whole end of year vibe, you know, and it's a time that's typically quite social, a lot of families come together. And when you put people of different walks of life who have different experiences and different interpretations of life together, boundaries can be very helpful. Typically during Christmas, I don’t know about you but at least in the past, I'd get the proverbial question like, Oh, what is it that you do for a living again?
Oh do you earn money from that? How much do you earn? Are you dating? When are you going to get married? Do any of these questions sound familiar? Well, for many people, those sorts of questions are harmless, they don't mean anything, especially for the older generation, because it was a line of questioning that showed interest and curiosity which it does, yes. But for different generations, those types of questions feel very personal and make people feel uncomfortable. Many people feel that their privacy is being invaded when questions like that are being asked, or unnecessary pressures being put on them to change a lifestyle and make different decisions for their lives.
For example, the one about getting married. I bet a lot of you would have got that, how much do you earn, how much are you saving. Whatever the questions may be, we have to remember that we are speaking to people of a different time. So we're speaking to people who grew up in a different generation. But also more importantly, always remembering that we're all different.
And so what looks like black to me is going to look like dark blue to someone else. And if we can be compassionate with people, if we can always remember that we're all different, and lean constantly into that fearless curiosity, that whenever you see difference, or a differential, that you can lean into it as an opportunity to learn something about the other person, then instead of making it about me and you and what separates us, through our differences, that I can just make it about how I can learn more about you. Because when I learn more about you, I'm also learning something about myself, what I am, or perhaps what I really am not, and I don't have to judge it, I don't have to measure it. I can just be curious to expand my awareness whilst holding my boundaries so I'm not giving up who I am, what I want to be and how I express myself at the same time.
Having a boundary allows you to connect with someone on a deeper level because you don't feel threatened. You know who you are, or at least you know, how to keep yourself safe, and how to remove yourself from a situation that feels uncomfortable.
So, let's go back to the family scenario. Right. And those questions that may be awkward that made you feel uncomfortable. How do you navigate that? And I've got a couple of really, really cool and very simple strategies to help you navigate that.
Say no. No is the hardest thing to say, isn't it? Have another glass of wine? No. Have another piece of cake? No. But really, remember that when you say no to someone, you're saying yes to yourself as you can own that boundary? Because yes, nobody likes to hear the word no. But I want you to put yourself first. So say no, claim it, own it. Because saying no is saying yes to yourself. And if you really struggle with saying no, then within your mind, find an alternative.
So if someone says to you, Hey, come on have one more glass of champagne? You could say, No, but I'll have another glass of soda. I'll have another glass of orange juice. Or you could just leave it as no. No is a complete sentence, own that boundary, because no one is saying yes to you. I cannot say enough times. Another way to own your boundary is to smile. And that's it, smile. Another way is to laugh. And then smile. And then say no, see how you can combine these things? Or walk away? That's probably one of the easiest tactics or strategies for holding a boundary, especially when you've claimed it and then the person is not listening. Right? You've said no, you smiled, you've laughed, you've joked, you've hugged, you've breathed, you've had a glass of water and they're still pushing you, simple strategy walk away. And let's say they're still coming after you with a finger.
What do you do, then? That's a really good question and you know what, if you've got tips, I invite you to send me those tips, too. Because the truth is my friends, owning boundaries is different for everybody. And part of owning boundaries and honoring boundaries and understanding that when we create boundaries from the right place, and it's a place of love, it's not about making things not happen. It's not about a preventative measure but it's about putting yourself in a space of authority so that you can own who you are with fearless authenticity. You can be clear with someone that you said, No. You can be clear with someone what your values are, and move from that space, from a place that is anchored and grounded, and hopefully discerning.
So you're not reacting to the situation, you've come in with your eyes wide open, you have a strategy to navigate the things that not only that you do want that you happily say yes to, but you can navigate the things that you don't want in your life and you can happily say no to. That's why boundaries are beautiful. They're about keeping you safe, not keeping people out but teaching and modeling to people, what it's like to love you, what it's like to support you, and what it is like to be you and have a kind of line with those boundaries, then that's okay, you have a strategy for that too. You will smile, you laugh, you have a glass of water, you give them a hug, you say no, you walk away, maybe you will even end that friendship.
But whatever it is, you stand strong in who you are, always being curious about the other party and learning something more about them in the process. But also, owning your space, owning your authority as the YOUest version of you, as Dr. Seuss always says, and showing up in life with fearless authenticity, always.
So don't forget boundaries are beautiful. And this holiday season, if you need to look in the mirror and give yourself this pep talk and just say listen, who's the person you're going to spend the longest relationship with in life, it's that person in the mirror, start treating him or her are they with respect, start loving them, start keeping them safe, because if you don't do it, who will? And I promise you, it may seem difficult at first, and you may meet with some resistance when you start honing your boundaries. And that's perfectly normal.
Because people are used to you behaving one way. So of course, when you change that's going to make them feel a little bit unsettled. But I promise you, if you maintain and own your boundaries, you will see a shift, just like the shift that you experienced within you, that will have a ripple effect beyond you and from you. That's going to positively influence the people around you and if you might lose some friends, but that's okay. It's going to hurt. Yes, indeed. But that's why we have this podcast. That's why we have our community so that we can lean in for support. Just remember that no is a complete sentence and that anybody who cannot respect or honor your No, doesn't deserve a seat at your table. And that if they walk away and no matter how much it hurts remember that they are making space for somebody who will love and honor you by your values and by your boundaries.
Sending you so much love this holiday season and I know this topic may have seemed intense but intense is intimate and intimate is about deep connections. And having a deep connection isn't about being the same or agreeing, only hanging out with people because it's easy, but it's finding the people that even through the hardest times, you can still be with each other in a loving and supportive way. See you in 2023 Let's make this a good one. Always continue to be fearlessly curious. Until the next one.
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About Me:
I help women lead with fearless authenticity by smashing the self-imposed heteronormative stereotypes that keep you playing small through emotional healing inner child and inherited intergenerational trauma. Create a purposeful life of your unique design by disrupting societal norms and expectations of who you should be. Explore mindfulness, fearless curiosity and loving kindness through the lens of Human Design to thrive as the person you are born to be.
Learn more about my coaching method and join my emotional healing, mindfulness, and music community at melissaindot.com.